Captain Paranoid's Unsupported Hypothesis

Taking Steely Dan lyrics literally can get you killed

2008-11-29T01:14:29Z

When Black Friday comes
I'll stand down by the door...

These shmaltzy feel-good Christmas stories rarely bring me cheer. But this one about a Walmart employee being trampled to death on Black Friday gave me a smile.

YMCA

2008-11-11T07:42:27Z

When I saw today's Google Logo, I thought, "What is this, Village People's Day?" Then after a second, oh yeah, Veteran's Day.

Come for the fishin' stay for the rape.

2008-09-25T07:46:06Z

My favorite comic goes multimedia on Caribou Barbie.

My Mom's zinger

2008-09-20T02:47:45Z

My Mom went into Washington Mutual the other day and asked the teller, "So what's going on with you guys? Are you going out of business?"
The teller responds, "Oh no, we are doing fine, in fact we just got new uniforms. Does that sound like a company that is going out of business... that they would get everybody new uniforms?" My Mom answers, "No, it sounds like a company that is wasting a lot of money."

As seen on TV, ~20 years ago

2008-07-01T23:44:19Z

I found an old dusty videotape of the David Letterman show from 1989
and being a compulsive list maker, made a list of the commercials from that episode.

By the way, Guests were Paulina Porizkova and the Proclaimers. The Top Ten list was, "Things Eastern Airlines tells prospective pilots."

Commercials:

Hersheys - Betty Boop, 3 Stooges and Howdy Doody
Suzuki Sidekick
Michelob
Coors Extra Gold
Eureka Boss Vaacuum
Introducing the Nissan Access
Pizza Hut - 2 medium pizzas for $12.99
Ryder
Loreal
Ford Probe GT
Suave Shampoo
Weight Watchers
Coors Light Silver Bullet
Introducing the Mitsubishi Eclipse $10,397
New England Telephone
Dead Bang Movie promo. Hey no deadbangmovie.com back then
Piedmont Airlines. Now how will I get to Raleigh/Durham?
WBZ promo
Hyundai
Energizer Bunny
Bufferin
Castrol GTX Oil
Doritos: Crunch all you want, we'll make more w/ Jay Leno
Hilton Hotels
Dick Butkus for AquaVelva
Nissan Access again
WBZ again
NBC Promo
Weaver's Chicken
Dodge Dakota

Smash Lab is Mind Numbingly Stupid

2008-03-21T22:07:49Z

Watch four vapid losers, some with Bachelors Degrees (maybe)
see if a real world problem can be solved by trying something
idiotic. Watch then exclaim, "That's so stupid, it just might work!" as
they endlessly high five each other.

Can we stop runaway trailers by strapping gigantic retro rockets to the side of an
Airstream trailer? Wasn't a Darwin award handed out for something similar? This latest episode is only worth watching because of their lax safety protocol that nearly turns one of the crew into toast -- literally.

Can a plane drop a boat at 100+ mph to do a mid-ocean rescue? Well, yeah. It's called an inflatable life raft. But what if we shape the boat weirdly so it supercavitates just to make it unnecessarily unreliable and more dangerous?

There are so many things wrong with this show; it makes me want to hurl my TV off my balcony second city style.

Oh my valve.
-Ignatius

Number of the Huckabeast

2007-12-19T09:48:37Z

Ron Paul in reacting to Huckabee's Christmas message gave my favorite quote of Sinclair Lewis:

When Fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross (Lewis c. 1930).

So Here is Huckabee using that as his campaign strategy seven decades later.

Here's another quote for Huckabee:

And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by men. Truly, I say to you they have received their reward. But when you pray, go into your room (or closet.) and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret..." (Matthew 6:5-6 RSV)

Mmmmm Bacon

2007-08-21T07:38:07Z

Scrabble Time for Blank hogs

How many of the 14 delicious bingos can you find of the pattern: BACON??

Need a some hints? Highlite to see clues

1	All of them start with A, B or C, except one. Which isn't really much of a hint.
2	There is one each where a blank is one of JKWZY.
3	The same hint works for 5 of them: Sounds like a rockstar that offed himself. (Captaino couldn't get one of them)

Highlite to see ANSWERS

ABSCOND

BALCONY

BANNOCK

BEACONS

BONACIS

BOTANIC

CABEZON

CARBONS

COALBIN

CONFABS

CORBANS

CORBINA

COWBANE

JACOBIN

At least he didn't say "No Pun Intended."

2007-08-21T06:51:50Z

Far be it from me to make fun of a tragedy, oh wait, that is exactly me.

From CNN today:

An emotional Bob Murray, the CEO of mine owner Murray Energy Corp., told reporters Monday night that rescuers have "not left a stone unturned" in trying to find the missing miners.

Perhaps the most inappropriate use of a metaphor this year.

A scrabble list. Why? That's Why!

2007-08-02T21:54:14Z

Here is a useless list to study,inspired by having lost a game because
I did not see TYRANNY on a a rack of ?ANNRTY

How many Words can you find starting with Y and ending with Y? There are 25.
How many Bingos of length seven? Only 2.
How many of length 7-10? Just 10 to find.

If you are so inclined, how many of the 66 seven-letter bingos can you find that
contain 2 Y's? in 2 minutes. Anybody not find Zzyzyva?

Where's the damn Q?

2007-07-26T08:14:08Z

So evwhore and I are playing scrabble on a perfectly transparent acrylic scrabble board from www.isatine.com and as always happens, someone accidentally whacks the board when trying to play a tile, usually to the refrain of the other person saying, "you idiot" and tonight was no exception. But this time I really whacked the board and tiles went flying everywhere... on the floor, in a candle. It took sometime to reconstruct the board, but eventually we did but quickly noticed the the Q was still missing. "This is a puzzlement. We've looked everywhere except in the box of pretzels." One guess where the Q was eventually found.

Also my play of the night... I playing the part of the blankpig have ??AEFXS. I immediatley see A f Fi X E S
but no spot. But then I see RE just sitting on the board, waiting. By this point I have several glasses of wine in me so I say I have REAFFIXES, but I'm not playing it unless it's good. Evwhore looks it up and yay for our side its good, so I play it for 101. It was that kind of game.

Are you ready to Tanqueray...in jail?

2007-07-13T23:20:08Z

One day you are genteelly swigging your Tanqueray, and the next you are headed for prison for fraud. Mr Jenkins, aka Conrad Black seen here in undated file photo.

FedEx staffed by Morons

2007-07-08T04:41:38Z

I needed to ship a package to Canada so I went to a FedEx center. I am the only customer there. The conversation goes like this:

Do you have Ground Service to Canada?

Yes.

I'd like to ship this box 5 day ground to Canada.

Do you have a label already prepared?

No.

Sorry we can't help you.

What are those over there (pointing to labels)?

Those are labels, but you have to fill them out on the internet.

Why do you have labels here then?

Those are for domestic, you need international.

What about the labels that say International? Can you just create one using one of your 5 computers, seeing how busy you are and all?

No. You have to fill one out and come back.

If I leave and fill one out and come back can you ship this to Canada?

No. We don't have ground pickup on Saturdays. You have to go to Venecia (pointing out the window). Maybe they can help you.

There is no such road or city location called Venecia that I can find on FedEx's web site.

This isn't really a customer service center is it? (Do you have any Camembert?)

So I leave the customer service center and drive to a FedExKinko's center just to ask the price for shipping by air.

Can you tell me how much it will cost to send a package to Toronto? It weight 6 lbs. 12 oz. and the size is 24x24x5 inches.

Do you know the zip code for Toronto?

No, not offhand. Can't you look it up? (I don't want to walk out to my car and get the postal code).

No we have no way of doing that.

Your kidding right? You mean you are a shipping center but you have no way to look up zip codes? OK. Does your sister by any chance work at the FedEx customer service center on Kerner street?

Cartoon Love

2007-04-01T08:30:19Z

I was wondering where I could meet a secret agent with pink hair, but it turns out this women, Erin, is just a cartoon. Apparently there are of lot of geeks who want so badly to know who Erin is that she has like 20 fan sites. She is voiced by San Francisco voiceover artist, Mo Mellady, but she doesnt have pink hair. I am crushed. I havent felt this bad since I found out that Dr. Katz's receptionist was a cartoon as well.

One more thing I hate

2006-12-19T07:40:57Z

Those stupid fucking dancing shitbags on those omnipresent home mortgage ads that seem to be on every internet page I visit. Yeah, you know the ones, Im talking about. Can someone find the people that created those ads and just kill them? Please?

Sockery Mockery

2006-12-07T21:46:41Z

This is the result of todays laundry. Yes you count right -- 16 unmatched socks. I mean one dozen is ridiculous, but 16? I am tempted to just throw them all out and start over, but I am certain that will cause the missing half to reappear. Oh what stories they would tell. Probably not very interesting stories, mostly involving static cling.

Solar System granted restraining order against Pluto

2006-08-24T21:47:09Z

Pluto today in a hastily cobbled press conference stated,
"I don't even want to be a planet in your candy-assed solar system.
I am out of here beotches." Pluto had said earlier that
it was considering a better offer from a non bullshit system near Tau Ceti, but it was later revealed to be a mere negotiating tactic, and that the International Astronomical Union (IAU) had called its bluff.

Charon, Pluto's publicist, said that Pluto is just a little depressed and enjoys being a planet and said that it been drinking and did not mean what it had said. Pluto then returned to the podium and wiping away frozen methane tears, begged "Please don't make me a dwarf planet like Sneezy and Doc. Give me one more chance. Lookout Mercury, you could be next." Mercury, currently the wimpiest Planet, did not appear to be nervous, claiming "mad planet skillz and a metallic core...so step off."

The IAU is unlikely to reconsider Pluto's status.

In an unrelated news story, the International Chemists Union (ICU) said that the element 94, Plutonium, had been demoted to a minor substance.

Financial News

DJIA down 41.5
PL down 2.35
NEPT +3.97

Can I have a dollar?

2006-08-24T21:10:36Z

Today was a first.... A panhandler on a bicycle rolled up to me to ask for a dollar. I dont even own a bicycle. He should be giving me a dollar.

I hate my cell phone

2006-08-03T22:46:20Z

Every day I find a new reason to hate my Nokia phone.
No matter what you want it to do; it always seems to take far more keystrokes than necessary.

Today's beef is specifically Multi-tap, which is the ubiquitous text entry system using a telephone keypad. I know multi-tap isn't specific to Nokia, and wasn’t even invented by them (see Tegic), but they licensed it -- so they are guilty.

It requires single, double, triple, or quadruple-pressing a key in order to get the desired letter. For example, if you want to type the letter "E" you would press 33. The first time you press 3, it assumes you meant "D", but when you press it again, it decides you really meant "E".

Right away you see the problem. E is by far the most common letter in English, clocking in at an astounding 12.6%. The letter D is a paltry 3.7%. So more than 3 out of 4 times, Multi-Tap forces you to do twice as much work to get the letter you wanted. And what if you wanted to type S? It’s even worse: The S is a quadruple-press, sitting last on the 7 key with it's pals PQRS.

(By the way am I the only one who thinks Q comes too early in the alphabet? It should be moved to right before X. And W? It's a double V. Any idiot can see that. Anyway I digress.)

The frequencies:

P 2.3%
Q 0.2%
R 6.0%
S 6.6%

When you press 7, it decides you want the P key even though its the 3rd most likely choice. And Q? Fuggeddaboutit. It is 33 times more likely that you wanted an S instead of a Q, but you have to do twice as much work to get that S.

So what does this mean to your life in practice? If you send 20 text messages at 5 words per message and 5 letters per word, you will have typed 500 letters. Statistically you will have wanted exactly 33 S, 30 R, 11 P, and just 1 Q. To get those letters you will have pressed:

P: 11*1 = 11
Q: 1*2 = 2
R: 30*3 = 90
S: 33*4 = 132
---------------------
235 KEY PRESSES.

If the letters on a key were arranged in order of frequencies (SRPQ) instead of (PQRS), you would have pressed:

S: 33*1 = 33
R: 30*2 = 60
P: 11*3 = 33
Q: 1*4 = 4

---------------------
130 KEY PRESSES.

You will have been annoyed 105 less times. Multiply that by the number of SMS text messages and you will see why why most modern mass murders are cell phone induced ^{[citation needed]}.

The 7 key is probably the worst offender, but other keys are pretty stupid too. 3DEF is idiotic. 4GHI and 6MNO suck bone as well. Only the 8TUV is accidentally arranged in correct frequency order. I’m telling you the 8 key is a fucking joy by comparison. I don’t mind the 5JKL key so much even though the L is 40 times more likely than the J, because I probably type the J more often than is predicted by statistics alone. I know a Jenny and a Lenny, so I don’t know what the hell should happen in that case. Perhaps get rid of all friends who have names that start with one of those letters.

And this is just multi-tap. Wait until I have time to start ranting about T9.

Ann Coulter...or Hitler

2006-07-31T18:07:42Z

I took the quiz and only got 6 out of 14.

http://www.people.virginia.edu/~jac3he/GiveUpQuiz/hitlercoulterquiz.html

Do you really need to bring an entire fucking suitcase to work?

2006-05-31T23:29:57Z

Another thing I am sick of: Working Wonkas with their rolling suitcases. No they are not going to the airport, or leaving town after work. They are just bringing way to much shit to and from work. It is annoying me. I have been noticing this more and more on my commute via the ferry. I mean how many changes of clothes do you need for an 8 hour day?

I couldn't stand the razor scooter people, but the suitcase droids are even more irratating. Do they weigh in their slab of work each day? Hey Honey, look I brought home 18 pounds of work tonight. At least I think it's work, maybe it's really body parts of their respective bosses.

63 is the new 64

2006-05-18T23:58:21Z

Send me a postcard, drop me a line stating point of view.
Indicate precisely what you mean to say,
yours sincerely wasting away.
Give me your answer, fill in a form, mine forever more.
Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm sixty four?

You cannot get much more precise than "No". How do I not love they?
$380 Million ways. That's what happens when you marry
~~Anna Nicole Smith~~ Heather Mills. I guess this means
Sir Paul has just two months to avoid ironic headlines by marrying
someone else. May I recommend someone that will not outlive him.

Seems Steve Martin was wrong...

2006-05-16T17:02:52Z

I remember Steve Martin's advice that forgetting to pay taxes was a viable financial planning strategy. I wonder if Richard Hatch has a lawsuit against Steve.

How to be a millionaire and never pay taxes. Yes you too can be a millionaire and never pay taxes. You are saying, but Steve....Martin....how can I be a millionaire and never pay taxes? Simple. First get a million dollars. Then when the IRS comes, just two simple words are your answer to financial freedom. I forgot." 1977. Let's Get Small.

PROVIDENCE, R.I. (AP) - Richard Hatch, who won $1 million in the debut season of "Survivor," was sentenced Tuesday to 51 months in prison for failing to pay income taxes on his reality TV prize and other earnings.

Hatch, who has been in a jail in Plymouth, Mass., since his conviction, claimed he thought the show's producers would pay his taxes and pleaded ignorance about money matters, saying he forgot to tell his accountants about some income.

The following takes place between 530ish and maybe about a quarter of

2006-05-02T21:28:09Z

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
The terrorist is handcuffed to a chair. Two Guards
stand off to the side.

GUARD 1
He won't talk. This is useless.

GUARD 2
Oh he'll talk. We are bringing in a professional.
Doug Bauer. Jack's brother.

GUARD 1
I didn't know Jack had a brother.

GUARD 2
He does. Makes Jack look like a pussy.

DOUG BAUER ARRIVES. (He is wearing a Hawaiian Shirt and flip flops.)

BAUER

Sorry I'm late. My cell phone battery died and
I didn't get my messages til just now.

Hey did you know they have Fresca in the soda
machine? Can someone loan me a dollar?
(The GUARDS are silent).

Jeez, I'll pay you back. (A GUARD hands
him a dollar bill). Does anyone else want
anything? (To the TERRORIST) How about you?
Nothing? Ok.

BAUER EXITS

BAUER RETURNS

BAUER
It's $1.25. Can I have another 25 cents? (The
TERRORIST tosses BAUER a quarter).

BAUER EXITS

GUARD 2
Are you sure he's the best?

GUARD 1
Absolutely... He's just putting the terrorist off guard.
Sort of his good cop routine. Just wait.

BAUER RETURNS

BAUER
(To TERRORIST) Ok what have you gotten out of them so far?

GUARD 1
Excuse me Doug. He's the terrorist. (POINTING)

BAUER
Well that explains the handcuffs. OK. Well we don't have
a lot of time. I don't know exactly how much, because
I left my watch at home. I took it off when I was trying
to get a shot glass out of the disposal. I mean have you
ever done that? I turned it on and now its full of broken
glass. I'm never gonna get that glass out. I thought if I
left it on, the glass would completely grind away, but I
just made it worse. Anyways, lets get moving cause I need
to stop by Home Depot before they close.

(BAUER'S cell phone rings)

(confused) That's weird I thought the battery was dead.
(Answering) Hola. Oh, hi Chloe. Que Pasa?

CHLOE
Doug, I downloaded auxiliary power into your cell via satellite
using Tesla induction beams. You should be fully charged now.
I also gave you a new ringtone. Whenever CTU calls, your phone will
play Dadi waz a Badi by Black Grape. It's on the
Radioactiv label.

BAUER

Great news Chloe. But is this ringtone gonna go off when I'm
on a sneak mission? How do I put the phone on vibrate? I tried
menu->phone settings->volume but that didn't work.

(BAUER looks up) The Guards have killed themselves and the
terrorist has escaped.

[Stay tuned for previews of next week's episode.]

Bleep Bloop Bleep.

Why do newspaper headlines have to be so negative?

2006-04-21T20:38:27Z

I saw this in the news today:
Police: Baby dies in seven-story fall
and all I could think of was that this headline could have been written in a more upbeat manner; such as Miracle baby survives 6 story fall.

Just saying is all.